Worries.

I sit with my head on my knees
I just want to cry.
But I can't do such things anymore.
I wish I was crying
But I have to be mad to do that.
I want to be alone
But it scares me,
I want to be with people
But that would suffocate me.
I want to die
But that's too easy,
I never take the easy way
I'm very much defeated
But you can't beat me.
I say its not worth it
But nothing is.
The music is around me
But it's not there.
I'm scared of the dark
But I crave it's solitude.
I hate everything
But that's just too bad.
My life is useless to me
But I'll still try.
You tell me to make wishes
But wishes are bullshit.
I'm apparently hateful and uncaring
But I'm just honest.
I don't look like them
But not everyone can.
I'm a time bomb
But I'm holding it all in.
I want a savior
But I'm so bad.
Grades don't matter
But thats a lie.
I'm feeling alone
But I might as well be.
I'm trying
But is there a point anymore?

"Life is but an empty dream," I said in mournful numbers.

I don't see the importance of life on earth. It's been awhile since I have.

People are pointless. I don't trust them, and I rarely like them. They don't really care at all, but they lie and say they do.

I guess you could say I'm not a happy individual. I have spurts of it, but they fade as quickly as they come. I don't look at anything in the world with optimism. Instead I stress over everything and let both my brain and my heart suffer to the attacks of my emotions. You're correct if you guessed that it isn't healthy to let that happen. Let is a strong word, and my anxiety is even stronger. I dont let it happen. It forces itself into me and overcomes my steady mind.

I am saddened by the weakest of things. As much as I try to keep the fact that I'm upset from others, I'm not great at it. I secretly want them to fix it, to show me that whatever they did wasn't what I thought it was. What a pitiful existence. Most things can't really be fixed. I am disappointed and hateful towards human nature and desire. I say " fuck you" to the people and hate them for their faults (or what I perceive to be their faults). I don't give a damn about people, but they think do. I scorn them for their stupidity and move on.

There are certain things that each person does that leads me to trust them less. If it upset me in th past, I sure as hell expect it to do the same again. If I hear about those things my mood simply dies.

My mood is dead right now. I hate everyone right now. I don't want to deal with this stupid world right now.

One of my favorite poems is "The Psalm of Life", but it looks like I really don't agree with it at all.

"Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream.
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not as they seem.

Life is real, life is earnest,
And the grave is not it's goal.
Dust thou art to dust returneth
Was not spoken of the soul."

I can recite it by memory because I learned it in eighth grade. The words are beautiful, but I disagree with them. Sure, life is real, but it's a harsh reality. I guess my soul speaks differently than others', too. Mine likes dust quite well.

This is a broad post. I didn't come in with a theme in mind, but instead with a thought process. I do apologize for the random prose.

Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci