I sit with my head on my knees
I just want to cry.
But I can't do such things anymore.
I wish I was crying
But I have to be mad to do that.
I want to be alone
But it scares me,
I want to be with people
But that would suffocate me.
I want to die
But that's too easy,
I never take the easy way
I'm very much defeated
But you can't beat me.
I say its not worth it
But nothing is.
The music is around me
But it's not there.
I'm scared of the dark
But I crave it's solitude.
I hate everything
But that's just too bad.
My life is useless to me
But I'll still try.
You tell me to make wishes
But wishes are bullshit.
I'm apparently hateful and uncaring
But I'm just honest.
I don't look like them
But not everyone can.
I'm a time bomb
But I'm holding it all in.
I want a savior
But I'm so bad.
Grades don't matter
But thats a lie.
I'm feeling alone
But I might as well be.
I'm trying
But is there a point anymore?
Friday, July 1, 2011
"Life is but an empty dream," I said in mournful numbers.
I don't see the importance of life on earth. It's been awhile since I have.
People are pointless. I don't trust them, and I rarely like them. They don't really care at all, but they lie and say they do.
I guess you could say I'm not a happy individual. I have spurts of it, but they fade as quickly as they come. I don't look at anything in the world with optimism. Instead I stress over everything and let both my brain and my heart suffer to the attacks of my emotions. You're correct if you guessed that it isn't healthy to let that happen. Let is a strong word, and my anxiety is even stronger. I dont let it happen. It forces itself into me and overcomes my steady mind.
I am saddened by the weakest of things. As much as I try to keep the fact that I'm upset from others, I'm not great at it. I secretly want them to fix it, to show me that whatever they did wasn't what I thought it was. What a pitiful existence. Most things can't really be fixed. I am disappointed and hateful towards human nature and desire. I say " fuck you" to the people and hate them for their faults (or what I perceive to be their faults). I don't give a damn about people, but they think do. I scorn them for their stupidity and move on.
There are certain things that each person does that leads me to trust them less. If it upset me in th past, I sure as hell expect it to do the same again. If I hear about those things my mood simply dies.
My mood is dead right now. I hate everyone right now. I don't want to deal with this stupid world right now.
One of my favorite poems is "The Psalm of Life", but it looks like I really don't agree with it at all.
"Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream.
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not as they seem.
Life is real, life is earnest,
And the grave is not it's goal.
Dust thou art to dust returneth
Was not spoken of the soul."
I can recite it by memory because I learned it in eighth grade. The words are beautiful, but I disagree with them. Sure, life is real, but it's a harsh reality. I guess my soul speaks differently than others', too. Mine likes dust quite well.
This is a broad post. I didn't come in with a theme in mind, but instead with a thought process. I do apologize for the random prose.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
People are pointless. I don't trust them, and I rarely like them. They don't really care at all, but they lie and say they do.
I guess you could say I'm not a happy individual. I have spurts of it, but they fade as quickly as they come. I don't look at anything in the world with optimism. Instead I stress over everything and let both my brain and my heart suffer to the attacks of my emotions. You're correct if you guessed that it isn't healthy to let that happen. Let is a strong word, and my anxiety is even stronger. I dont let it happen. It forces itself into me and overcomes my steady mind.
I am saddened by the weakest of things. As much as I try to keep the fact that I'm upset from others, I'm not great at it. I secretly want them to fix it, to show me that whatever they did wasn't what I thought it was. What a pitiful existence. Most things can't really be fixed. I am disappointed and hateful towards human nature and desire. I say " fuck you" to the people and hate them for their faults (or what I perceive to be their faults). I don't give a damn about people, but they think do. I scorn them for their stupidity and move on.
There are certain things that each person does that leads me to trust them less. If it upset me in th past, I sure as hell expect it to do the same again. If I hear about those things my mood simply dies.
My mood is dead right now. I hate everyone right now. I don't want to deal with this stupid world right now.
One of my favorite poems is "The Psalm of Life", but it looks like I really don't agree with it at all.
"Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream.
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not as they seem.
Life is real, life is earnest,
And the grave is not it's goal.
Dust thou art to dust returneth
Was not spoken of the soul."
I can recite it by memory because I learned it in eighth grade. The words are beautiful, but I disagree with them. Sure, life is real, but it's a harsh reality. I guess my soul speaks differently than others', too. Mine likes dust quite well.
This is a broad post. I didn't come in with a theme in mind, but instead with a thought process. I do apologize for the random prose.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Personal Psychology: Part III
Can you say trust issues?
I don't think trusting anyone for anything or for any reason is wise. Everyone has their own selfish agenda, and coming into anything with that knowledge is the key to not facing disappointment (or at least not as much disappointment).
What's the point in trusting people who seek things like revenge rather than others' happiness? I am no better than anyone else in this category, but I, too, am human. Unfortunately, that mean that human nature applies to me as much as the rest of the population.
I'm cruel and cold and cynical. I use people for my own means. I don't even like people, really. To me, they're all useless walking clumps of flesh and marrow. They speak too loudly and too idiotically. Why deal with them?
...oh yeah. I need them for entertainment.
Then again, I'll always prefer books, comics, and video games to actual beings. Or animals. Anything but people, please.
Maybe in good moods I'm a little more tolerant. Maybe there's a few people I actually care for. Generally speaking, though, I have no reason, in my opinion, to give a damn about another person. I'm kind of a hater to living organisms that resemble myself. Oh well.
Right now I hate everyone. I'm not in a good mood, nor do I care to be in one...
"The only thing that could spoil a day was people." - Ernest Hemingway
And they sure do it well.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
I don't think trusting anyone for anything or for any reason is wise. Everyone has their own selfish agenda, and coming into anything with that knowledge is the key to not facing disappointment (or at least not as much disappointment).
What's the point in trusting people who seek things like revenge rather than others' happiness? I am no better than anyone else in this category, but I, too, am human. Unfortunately, that mean that human nature applies to me as much as the rest of the population.
I'm cruel and cold and cynical. I use people for my own means. I don't even like people, really. To me, they're all useless walking clumps of flesh and marrow. They speak too loudly and too idiotically. Why deal with them?
...oh yeah. I need them for entertainment.
Then again, I'll always prefer books, comics, and video games to actual beings. Or animals. Anything but people, please.
Maybe in good moods I'm a little more tolerant. Maybe there's a few people I actually care for. Generally speaking, though, I have no reason, in my opinion, to give a damn about another person. I'm kind of a hater to living organisms that resemble myself. Oh well.
Right now I hate everyone. I'm not in a good mood, nor do I care to be in one...
"The only thing that could spoil a day was people." - Ernest Hemingway
And they sure do it well.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
Monday, June 6, 2011
Personal Psychology: Part II
Anxiety.
It plagues me and imprisons me. It tears at my mind and watches my every move.
By definition, anxiety is a feeling of worry about something that has happened, is happening, or has yet to happen. It's both one of the easiest and hardest things for me to talk about. Easy because I am nearly always experiencing it, and hard because it can be very confusing.
By definition, anxiety is a feeling of worry about something that has happened, is happening, or has yet to happen. It's both one of the easiest and hardest things for me to talk about. Easy because I am nearly always experiencing it, and hard because it can be very confusing.
Everyone has to deal with it sometimes. Being nervous is a common occurrence, and we all worry about things from time to time.
This being said, some of us worry a lot more than others do. When anxiety becomes very common and long-lasting, there's a chance that it could be generalized anxiety disorder or another anxiety problem. I'm not saying I have these conditions, of course. I have traits for them, but a lot of people share those traits. It takes a professional to determine if someone has a mental illness.
I get worked up about things very easily. I can feel my heart begin to race at the slightest things. I wake up in the mornings terrified and nervous about everyday activities. Sometimes it's pretty much more than I can handle.
This being said, my anxiety is helpful in a few ways. For one thing, it makes me worry about school stuff a lot. That can be awful, but it also keeps me motivated to do well.
I hope to one day master my anxiety, or at least the bad parts of it. I want to fight my flaws, not let them take me over and win. It's a daily battle for now, but I can dream.
"Oh, the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man!" - Charles Dickens
Dickens knows how to sum things up as well as anyone. Ah, the mysteries and the plague that are anxiety.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Personal Psychology: Part I
I like talking about myself, as conceited as that sounds. It sounds bad, but the real reason I like it so much is because talking about myself out loud leads me to learning more about how my mind works. It also leads to me learning more about how other peoples' minds work.
The mind is a beautiful thing, and each and every one is unique. It's also probably one of the most complex and misunderstood things in our world today.
I can talk a lot about personality and psychology and mental disorders. I read about them a lot. I look stuff up about them, and I take personality type tests to see how others would classify me based on my actions and thoughts. There's a world of knowledge about these things if you care to understand them.
So, with that little introduction aside, I'd like to give you a look into my own mind, which will probably actually take a few posts (I wasn't lying when I said I can talk about this stuff very easily). I'll apologize ahead of time for the possible boring information. I know not everyone thinks this stuff is cool like I do.
Extroverts are pretty much the opposite. This entails lots of noise, speaking a lot more than listening, thriving in group projects and star roles, and usually being outgoing and enthusiastic. Extroverts think after they act. They like being around people as much as possible.
So which am I? I'm mostly an introvert. Unless I'm around people I know quite well, I tend to be rather quiet. I think before I act, and I prefer individual projects over group projects. I don't mind being alone at all, but I don't like feeling alone (i.e. being physically alone doesn't bother me as long as I'm talking to someone in some way). As for speaking and listening, I'm actually more of a talker. I don't mind listening, but I'm not great at advice. It makes me too nervous, I suppose.
As an introvert, I tend to stay quiet in enviroments that aren't completely comfortable to me. I don't get out of my comfort zone very often, and when I do I usually need people I trust around me. I don't speak loudly and prefer smaller gatherings than larger ones. Large crowds of people make me highly nervous, and talking to people I don't know well usually gets awkward.
A common misconception is that introverts are merely shy. Although shyness can be a factor, as it is in my case, it is not the same thing as being introverted nor is it always associated with it. Introverts are not introverted just because they are too shy to do anything otherwise. Introverts thrive from being alone and getting their work done on their own time. Other people can slow down an introvert whereas an extrovert would work harder if the others were present.
Introverts are often very concerned as to what goes on within their own minds. They spend time getting to know their strengths and weaknesses and likes and dislikes. Introverts crave alone time even after spending good times with friends and family, and they allow their thoughts to take them wherever they wish.
I think my interest in psychology and the mind sprouted from this introvertedness. As I tried to learn more and more about my own mind, I started getting interested in the minds of others as well.
Introverts commonly sound pretty conceited because they are so interested in their own thoughts, but in reality they often care about other peoples' thoughts, too. The mind is the playground of introverts everywhere.
And that's quite enough mind talk for now. I'm sure there will be more posts about this topic to follow, since I'm pretty much obsessed.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
The mind is a beautiful thing, and each and every one is unique. It's also probably one of the most complex and misunderstood things in our world today.
I can talk a lot about personality and psychology and mental disorders. I read about them a lot. I look stuff up about them, and I take personality type tests to see how others would classify me based on my actions and thoughts. There's a world of knowledge about these things if you care to understand them.
So, with that little introduction aside, I'd like to give you a look into my own mind, which will probably actually take a few posts (I wasn't lying when I said I can talk about this stuff very easily). I'll apologize ahead of time for the possible boring information. I know not everyone thinks this stuff is cool like I do.
Introvert or Extrovert?
Introverts are quiet and tend to listen more than they speak. They lean more toward individual projects than group ones, and most are reserved and concentrated. Introverts think before they act. They do not mind being alone.
Extroverts are pretty much the opposite. This entails lots of noise, speaking a lot more than listening, thriving in group projects and star roles, and usually being outgoing and enthusiastic. Extroverts think after they act. They like being around people as much as possible.
So which am I? I'm mostly an introvert. Unless I'm around people I know quite well, I tend to be rather quiet. I think before I act, and I prefer individual projects over group projects. I don't mind being alone at all, but I don't like feeling alone (i.e. being physically alone doesn't bother me as long as I'm talking to someone in some way). As for speaking and listening, I'm actually more of a talker. I don't mind listening, but I'm not great at advice. It makes me too nervous, I suppose.
As an introvert, I tend to stay quiet in enviroments that aren't completely comfortable to me. I don't get out of my comfort zone very often, and when I do I usually need people I trust around me. I don't speak loudly and prefer smaller gatherings than larger ones. Large crowds of people make me highly nervous, and talking to people I don't know well usually gets awkward.
A common misconception is that introverts are merely shy. Although shyness can be a factor, as it is in my case, it is not the same thing as being introverted nor is it always associated with it. Introverts are not introverted just because they are too shy to do anything otherwise. Introverts thrive from being alone and getting their work done on their own time. Other people can slow down an introvert whereas an extrovert would work harder if the others were present.
Introverts are often very concerned as to what goes on within their own minds. They spend time getting to know their strengths and weaknesses and likes and dislikes. Introverts crave alone time even after spending good times with friends and family, and they allow their thoughts to take them wherever they wish.
I think my interest in psychology and the mind sprouted from this introvertedness. As I tried to learn more and more about my own mind, I started getting interested in the minds of others as well.
Introverts commonly sound pretty conceited because they are so interested in their own thoughts, but in reality they often care about other peoples' thoughts, too. The mind is the playground of introverts everywhere.
And that's quite enough mind talk for now. I'm sure there will be more posts about this topic to follow, since I'm pretty much obsessed.
"For an introvert his enviroment is himself and can never be subject to startling or unforeseen change."
- Quentin Crisp
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I'm Currently:
Wanting my second holes in my ears pierced.
Thinking saying "presh" sounds stupid as hell.
Needing MoMo's head sewed back on for my keychain.
Loving that I'm leaving for New England Odyssey Sunday night.
Wishing I could go to Ireland and see castles.
Hoping I find plenty of things to do this summer.
Drinking a Fruit Punch Capri Sun.
Discovering that I can't stand having my hair look the same for long periods of time.
Waiting to see the Hangover 2 at 7:30 pm (Thank God).
Reflecting on seeing lightning strike a building today (it caught on fire!).
Stressing about NEO, material possessions, and who knows what else.
Texting my boyfriend and my best friend.
Considering liking my new hair cut.
Blogging with as many fitting -ing words as I can come up with.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
Thinking saying "presh" sounds stupid as hell.
Needing MoMo's head sewed back on for my keychain.
Loving that I'm leaving for New England Odyssey Sunday night.
Wishing I could go to Ireland and see castles.
Hoping I find plenty of things to do this summer.
Drinking a Fruit Punch Capri Sun.
Discovering that I can't stand having my hair look the same for long periods of time.
Waiting to see the Hangover 2 at 7:30 pm (Thank God).
Reflecting on seeing lightning strike a building today (it caught on fire!).
Stressing about NEO, material possessions, and who knows what else.
Texting my boyfriend and my best friend.
Considering liking my new hair cut.
Blogging with as many fitting -ing words as I can come up with.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Defining the Undefinable
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides, and when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No...don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."
Ah, love.
I truly believe it is the most confusing thing on the planet. Everyone has a different definition for it, a different way of explaining what it is and where it comes from and why it occurs. We all experience it in many different forms and in many different ways. The love for a pet is much different than the love for a spouse, and puppy love is nothing even near the feelings in a strong relationship. These are the basic guidelines of love that most tend to agree on.
I don't want to delve into those other kinds of love. Today I'm blogging about the major kind of love. Being in love. Get the point? I hope so.
Trust issues and commitment issues alike have plagued me for a long time. Is it easy for me to love people? Absolutely not. I see people for the bad in them, which I can't begin to say is a good thing but also can't help (I'm a pessimist, my mind is set on seeing the bad in everything, people included). I'm not good at showing affection or letting people know how I really feel.
And then comes that day. The day where I find that I do love someone. Not just crushing on him or wanting him to like me with no return. I like him. I love him. I can't help it or stop it, and it thrills me and scares me simutaneously. I love him so much that it physically pains me to think of him not loving me, too. It kills me to even think of him being with anyone else. I only see him when it comes to that special place in my life.
What is a person with pessimistic views on love and life such as I to do?
I constantly fear that I'll be the one to run away. I'm afraid I'll convince myself to end it, but if I did I know it'd be the most horrible thing possible for me. This is what anxiety does to you. I love him, and I still think this way. If only everyone could take a glimpse within my mind and see that I'm just being ridiculous.
When thinking of him I see beautiful things. Lazy walks in the park. A lovely garden with treehouses. Constant flirting and final realization. To me, this is a part of love because love should bring about fond memories at the first thought.
So what do I think love is exactly?
Love is relying on someone even when you judge own self for what you're revealing. Love is seeing a name pop up on a screen and instantly feeling better. Love is knowing you couldn't stand to part from that special one. Love isn't about everything being happy and perfect and dream-like every minute of every day. Love is knowing that when doubts come or when something goes in the wrong direction, it will be resolved out of love for the other person.
If you can stand the idea of him or her being with someone else, it is not love.
If you can accept that your relationship can not possibly succeed in the future, it is not love.
If you are willing to give your entire self in exchange for whatever he will give you in return, it is love.
Even when I get scared of something messing up, I comfort myself with the fact that I couldn't stand being apart from him. Not physically apart because that's already a factor in my relationship, but emotionally and mentally apart. I need him, and I believe it when he says he needs me. We love each other, and it is not one-sided.
I need reassurance from him, but he's always willing to give it. Part of love is having a partner who accepts what you need as what it is. A need. Not a want. Those things are very different, and you both have to know how to tell which is which for the other.
Last of all, love is a learning experience. I'm in the process of learning this fact through experience. When something sad comes around, it's hard for me to let it go and learn from it. But I'm learning that in this relationship, neither of us will get everything right the first, or even the next few times. Even though this can lead to dilemmas on occassion, it also makes love fun. If you knew everything to begin with, there would be no surprises. And after all, what is life or love or anything without a little pleasant surprise?
I'm still in the process of learning how to deal with commitment and difficulties, but he helps me pull through those things and anything else that comes up. To me, he is the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. I need him like I need air, as cliche and stupid as that sounds. I want him in my life as long as I'm here to live it. I believe he wants the same and hope he continues to.
And to conclude this, I'll have to say:
I love you, Seamus.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Ah, love.
I truly believe it is the most confusing thing on the planet. Everyone has a different definition for it, a different way of explaining what it is and where it comes from and why it occurs. We all experience it in many different forms and in many different ways. The love for a pet is much different than the love for a spouse, and puppy love is nothing even near the feelings in a strong relationship. These are the basic guidelines of love that most tend to agree on.
I don't want to delve into those other kinds of love. Today I'm blogging about the major kind of love. Being in love. Get the point? I hope so.
Trust issues and commitment issues alike have plagued me for a long time. Is it easy for me to love people? Absolutely not. I see people for the bad in them, which I can't begin to say is a good thing but also can't help (I'm a pessimist, my mind is set on seeing the bad in everything, people included). I'm not good at showing affection or letting people know how I really feel.
And then comes that day. The day where I find that I do love someone. Not just crushing on him or wanting him to like me with no return. I like him. I love him. I can't help it or stop it, and it thrills me and scares me simutaneously. I love him so much that it physically pains me to think of him not loving me, too. It kills me to even think of him being with anyone else. I only see him when it comes to that special place in my life.
What is a person with pessimistic views on love and life such as I to do?
I constantly fear that I'll be the one to run away. I'm afraid I'll convince myself to end it, but if I did I know it'd be the most horrible thing possible for me. This is what anxiety does to you. I love him, and I still think this way. If only everyone could take a glimpse within my mind and see that I'm just being ridiculous.
When thinking of him I see beautiful things. Lazy walks in the park. A lovely garden with treehouses. Constant flirting and final realization. To me, this is a part of love because love should bring about fond memories at the first thought.
So what do I think love is exactly?
Love is relying on someone even when you judge own self for what you're revealing. Love is seeing a name pop up on a screen and instantly feeling better. Love is knowing you couldn't stand to part from that special one. Love isn't about everything being happy and perfect and dream-like every minute of every day. Love is knowing that when doubts come or when something goes in the wrong direction, it will be resolved out of love for the other person.
If you can stand the idea of him or her being with someone else, it is not love.
If you can accept that your relationship can not possibly succeed in the future, it is not love.
If you are willing to give your entire self in exchange for whatever he will give you in return, it is love.
Even when I get scared of something messing up, I comfort myself with the fact that I couldn't stand being apart from him. Not physically apart because that's already a factor in my relationship, but emotionally and mentally apart. I need him, and I believe it when he says he needs me. We love each other, and it is not one-sided.
I need reassurance from him, but he's always willing to give it. Part of love is having a partner who accepts what you need as what it is. A need. Not a want. Those things are very different, and you both have to know how to tell which is which for the other.
Last of all, love is a learning experience. I'm in the process of learning this fact through experience. When something sad comes around, it's hard for me to let it go and learn from it. But I'm learning that in this relationship, neither of us will get everything right the first, or even the next few times. Even though this can lead to dilemmas on occassion, it also makes love fun. If you knew everything to begin with, there would be no surprises. And after all, what is life or love or anything without a little pleasant surprise?
I'm still in the process of learning how to deal with commitment and difficulties, but he helps me pull through those things and anything else that comes up. To me, he is the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. I need him like I need air, as cliche and stupid as that sounds. I want him in my life as long as I'm here to live it. I believe he wants the same and hope he continues to.
And to conclude this, I'll have to say:
I love you, Seamus.
Sincerely Cynical,
Kaci
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